The Dallas Cowboys beat the Los Angeles Chargers 20-17 on Monday Night Football in a game that strangely ended up a lot less weird than any of us might have expected.
The Take Machine was ready.
Here was Dallas, losers of two of its last three, defense reeling after that embarrassment in San Francisco, ready to face offensive coordinator Kellen Moore for the first time since Mike McCarthy let Moore go, saying he wanted to run the football more to give his defense more rest.
Here were those Chargers, digging their way out of an 0-2 hole, with maybe 20% of a home-field advantage against a cavalcade of Dallas cheers, and head coach Brandon Staley doing all he can to set analytics back decades while Justin Herbert befuddles quarterback analysts around the world.
In the end, outside of a late two-commercial-review muffed punt, it all felt very normal. The Chargers marched right down the field for an early touchdown, the Cowboys matched, and the rest of the game was a flag fest without much offense until Dallas hit the winning field goal late and sealed it with an interception.
What was supposed to be The Great Take-Off turned into something of a mid-off instead.
It's simply hard to come away from this game feeling like either one of the Cowboys or Chargers truly matters in the big scope of things — like, the postseason scope, the one where teams win multiple games at the highest level and compete for the Super Bowl.
Dallas was plagued by poor play-calling and bad game management. Its offensive line struggled under pressure all night, and the team was over-committed to an ineffective run game. Its star quarterback struggled to make plays in the biggest moments, and its only real offense was one star receiver.
Los Angeles was plagued by poor play-calling and bad game management. Its offensive line struggled under pressure all night, and the team was over-committed to an ineffective run game. Its star quarterback struggled to make plays in the biggest moments, and its only real offense was one star receiver.
Tony Pollard ran 15 times for 30 yards. Austin Ekeler ran 14 times for 27.
Dallas was an awful -0.36 EPA per play on early-down runs. Los Angeles was -0.37.
The Cowboys had a long 10-play, 65-yard drive that stalled and ended with a failed "right decision, wrong play" fourth down, then the positive, analytics-driven result anyway when the defense made a stop and got Dallas three points on a short field.
The Chargers had a long 13-play 68-yard drive that stalled and ended with a failed "right decision, wrong play" fourth down, then the positive, analytics-driven result anyway when the defense made a stop and got LA three points on a short field.
Each team turned it over once. The Cowboys had the ball for 29:52; the Chargers for 30:08. They even nearly equaled each other in penalty ineptitude, with 85 and 79 yards (dis)respectfully.
These two teams were a Spider-Man meme of mediocrity.
Dallas was a little bit better.
The Cowboys were slightly more efficient. They had the bigger plays, as opposed to Justin Herbert overthrowing all of his. Dallas was sacked four more times, but the Cowboys got the biggest sack in the end from Micah Parsons on LA's penultimate play, leading to a rushed Herbert interception to seal it.
Herbert was not great. He sprayed inaccurate passes all over the field, and it's hard not to wonder if that hand injury is affecting him.
That's a problem for the Chargers, now 2-3 and set to hit the road for Kansas City. The Chargers still have to face the Lions, Ravens, Bills, and Chiefs again, and they're not exactly invincible in games against less talented opponents. Like usual, LA's margin for error is already very thin.
Dallas hits the bye week at 4-2 and with more margin for error.
Dak Prescott was pretty good — his usual, really — and the Cowboys seem pretty good, too.
The problem is that pretty good just isn't enough for this squad. This was a team that entered the season with Super Bowl hopes. Heck, they entered last Sunday with Super Bowl hopes before getting demolished by the 49ers.
Monday night's defense looked Super Bowl-caliber again — buoyed by Herbert's persistent inaccuracy — but it's hard to feel like Dallas has really proven much.
The defense beat up on three objectively bad offenses led by bad quarterbacks (the Giants, Jets, and Patriots), and the Cowboys no-showed against Arizona and San Francisco and then barely got past a 2-3 Chargers squad that could struggle to make the playoffs.
Dallas probably won't have that problem in the NFC, but making the playoffs was never the goal for this team. Chargers entered the weekend bottom 10 in Defensive DVOA and bottom five against the run. If McCarthy's offense can't even run on this D and struggled to get to 20, what's it going to do against a playoff defense?
Monday was supposed to be a big "road" test for the Cowboys against a talented Chargers team. If it were a multiple choice test, the available answers might have looked something like:
a) Dallas finally unleashed its great offense with long, sustained drives against an overwhelmed Chargers defense
b) The Cowboys defense swarmed and dominated, proving it truly belongs with the NFL's elite
c) The Chargers proved up to the task, showing themselves worthy of playing up to a Super Bowl caliber opponent
Turns out the answer was actually d) none of the above, just a disappointingly blah game between two teams that increasingly look like they won't matter come February.
In the end, the only real take to come out of The Great Take-Off of 2023 is that neither of these teams even look worth having much of a take for.
